How what happened then, got me to now.
I try to spend most of my time living in the “here” and “now” of my recovery rather than giving too much of a voice to my actions during my active addiction. However, there may be some value for those of you who struggle still to have the broad brush strokes of how I got here.
On August 26, 2020, an online search found me recovery on the same device that had created the devastation in my addiction. I had just confessed to family that I had been gambling for 20 years and that life as we all knew it was about to change drastically. My husband then thought that our home was paid off and he had recently retired. I had for our whole marriage been in control of our finances, and had become a master liar and a very creative manipulator. I will always remember the exact moment that I confessed to my gambling addiction, that there there were three mortgages on a home thought paid for, that our home was about to be foreclosed on, and that there were unpaid title loans on both vehicles and a boat that were outstanding and destined for repossession.
I had been scared to admit to my addiction sooner, as the thought of losing my marriage, home, and family seemed devastating to me. My only regret that I will always carry is that I didn’t seek help and admit to my addiction sooner. Everything I had been terrified that would happen with my admission, happened exactly as I had suspected it would. I lost my job, my home, my 35 year marriage, my friends, my community, a relationship with my son, most of my belongings collected over a lifetime.
My admission took place on August 24, 2020, with my then husband leaving our home to spend what would turn out to be 10 days at our son’s house before returning home to end our marriage and eject me from what I now refer to as my “first life.”
After long consideration of whether life was even worth living anymore, on August 26, 2020, I promised my family that I would never place another bet, or tell another lie, found the rooms of recovery and started my “second life.”
I refer to not admitting to my addiction sooner as my only regret from that time because I wish I had sought help sooner. I wish I had found my recovery tribe sooner, because this grateful world of recovery in my “second life” is incredible.
My “second life” started with moving into another community and living on my own for the first time ever in my life. I had to find a job, get legal separation/divorce, figure out life and start my life over at 56 years old all while trying to find and maintain recovery. I went through more major life changes in 3 years than most people go through in a lifetime, but oh, how I grew, blossomed, and thrived.
I also struggled, hated myself, carried regret, carried shame and fought to maintain recovery through 90 days of physical withdrawal symptoms. I celebrated successes and disappointments, with disappointments and struggles often feeling like that was how the rest of my life would be.
Page 2 of the Yellow Combo book of Gamblers Anonymous says “The idea that somehow, someday, we will control our gambling is the great obsession of every compulsive gambler. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of prison, insanity or death.”
As a lifelong hockey fan I refer to the above as the “hattrick” of my addiction. Without detail, I did things in my active addiction that should have put me in jail. It is only by the grace and wisdom of the Universe that I didn’t (Prison).
I vividly remember about two weeks prior to my eventual admission that I sat down and totaled up all my debt. That is all the debt that I could at that moment remember. It came out in my early recovery that there was much more I didn’t remember. The amount shocked me, and almost created a full blown anxiety attack. But I remember that there was that voice…that addiction voice that spoke to me in my own voice, telling me “no problem. You can fix this, you have had everything under control and fixing it for years now. All good, you got this.” (Insanity)
The 36 hours prior to my entry into Recovery involved serious consideration about whether my life insurance policy would pay out on suicide because at least that would make a teensy weensy dent in my debt. (Death). I am grateful every day that circumstances in my life led me to choose life.
The GA Yellow Book told me that living a life based on Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness would be key to my recovery. I learned that Transparency and Accountability were necessary additions to that.
If you are looking for a quick easy way to make things better, there is none. Recovery is hard shit, but never doubt that is is worth it.
