I have been given pause lately to reflect on my recovery journey and what has worked for me. In reflection, I have found that for me in my journey that everything I learned fell into one of two categories: tools and actions.
I came into recovery literally on my knees ready to die. I had decimated my life, all the plans I had spent a 33 year marriage making, my reputation, my ability to be trusted, and my self worth. I literally entered recovery willing to do ANYTHING to make my life better.
I often say that if someone with experience in recovery had told me that I would be successful in recovery if I would commit to walking backwards for the rest of my life, today would be me 1809th day of walking backwards. I would be doing it willingly and enthusiastically.
I was told that I should go to meetings. I should attend as many as possible and that I should be prepared to listen for the things that I was meant to be there to hear.
Meetings: a TOOL that required an ACTION on my part. I had to ATTEND the meeting and I had to LISTEN.
I was at the height of my addiction strictly an online gambler. I was told about blocking apps. Apps that can block my devices from accessing gambling sites. To me, that seemed a lot like the undercoating we pay for when we buy a new car. It likely won’t ever do anything, but makes me feel protected.
My thought process on this was that sure, I can put protection on all devices, but there is always another device. A work computer, a work phone, a spouse’s device…it goes on. If I protected my devices and came across another that I could access, I needed the skills to not do that. I could not put responsibility for my recovery on other people, places or things.
If I found a device that was not “protected” and MADE THE CHOICE to gamble on it, that would be on me. I would have had to make the CHOICE to see if I could access a gambling site. Then make the CHOICE to deposit money to gamble. I would have to make the CHOICE to face the consequences due to the transparency of my life. No app in the world would protect me from my CHOICES.
Blocking Apps: simply a TOOL. I knew I could not rely on that long term
Limiting access to money was the most helpful and calming tool in my toolbox. When I moved in with my new partner, I was absolutely transparent with him about what we should do to keep our relationship and family safe should my recovery go off the rails.
After 35 years of controlling finances in my first marriage, I am sure that I have PTSD from the stress of managing money, and lies, and manipulations. I wanted him to have total control and I would not only have limited access to money, but he checks the card that I use and I am 100% accountable for the spending I do.
This was the step in my recovery that once I settled into it, I felt like a real grownup for once. I was exhibiting responsible planning for myself and my new family. It made me feel safe, as I had witnessed first hand my addiction out of control and I still scare me.
Limit access to money: For me, this is a TOOL that keeps me safe, but requires ACTION in making the CHOICE to respect the boundaries I have created.
I was told that self exclusion is recommended. I came into recovery during the pandemic, and the one casino I lived near was closed. I am autistic and have social anxiety about being in unfamiliar places by myself, so I was pretty sure I would never actually go to the casino, but I was not going to leave that gate open.
Self Exclusion: Only a TOOL. But required me taking the ACTION to do it. I will note that after self exclusion, driving past the casino had no reaction for me. It became just another building.
Making connections has become such a vital component of my recovery. It was difficult for me to put my ego aside and realize that these connections could one day save my recovery and indeed my life. I had to learn to reach out, make connections and in doing so, I have met some amazing people who I proudly call “family.”
Creating Connections: ACTION is required by me to make, maintain and nurture those relationships.
I had to become willing to experience a bit of discomfort in the process of peeling back the layers of my recovery. Learning new skills to enable me to unravel my emotions and reactions. I found this in therapy.
Therapy: This to me remains an ACTION because I have to be willing to engage in the process and utilize the TOOLS I am taught.
I learned very early in my recovery that nobody was going to wave a magic wand and fix my life for me. That RESPONSIBILITY rested solely on my shoulders. I could collect all the TOOLS in the world but unless I engaged with willingness and implemented the ACTION required to use them, they would be useless.
I learned that I have agency in my life and choose my own path. I can make any number of choices in any day, but the CHOICE to gamble or not gamble is for me, the first and most basic choice. Life is imperfect and there will always be crap to deal with and sort out, but making the CHOICE to gamble will always make it worse, never better.
