Who Is Driving My Bus?…

…and how do I control my passengers.

I discovered early in my recovery that visuals serve my neurodivergent brain best when learning concepts, ideas or theories. Therefore the “who is driving my bus” theory made instant sense to me.

Life changed so much in early recovery and I found that there were people I was once close to that no longer wanted to spend time with me or talk to me. This caused me a lot of struggle, anger and emotional pain.

Someone told me at this time that I can only drive my own bus on my journey. I need to keep both hands on the wheel and concentrate on what is in front of me. At the same time I cannot drive anyone else’s bus on their life journey, no matter how much I desire to do so. As soon as I take my hands off my own steering wheel trying to drive someone else’s, my bus will crash.

The natural progression of this concept for me was the session when my therapist explained the theory of who is driving my bus. How this works for me is that I have many different “me”s in side of me.

In an ideal world, the “Big Me” is the one driving. Big Me is calm, patient, confident, controlled, grateful, brave, and fabulous. However, also in my bus there are a whole bunch of passengers. These passengers are the “Little Me”. The Big and Littles are what makes me my unique self, but the running of the bus is not smooth most days.

My Littles can show up as any or all in the following list:

• Sadness
• Trauma
• Anger
• Grief
• Anxiety
• Fear
• Addiction (Urges)
• Self Criticism
• Entitlement
• Ego
• Hurt
• Happiness
• Disgust
• Misunderstanding
• Shame
• Envy
• Boredom
• Confusion
• Stress
• Indignation

The tricky part for me is to keep all my Littles in their seats where they belong so that the grown up, clear thinking Big Me can keep her eyes steadily on the road, making good choices. Passengers are like toddlers, you can’t put them in the cargo area, but you can’t let them drive the bus either.

Life is never calm and smooth, and being able to recognize when one of my Little passengers has taken over the driving of my bus has taken a lot of practice. If I am feeling less than my “well” self, I have learned to sit quietly and recognize who, at that moment is driving my bus.

For example: If I am reaching for my phone to “mad text” someone, is it out of anger, hurt, resentment, fear? I next work through what I want to see as the outcome of the situation and what I need to do to see the outcome I want come to fruition. NOT WHAT SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS TO DO TO MAKE IT BETTER, but rather what I need to do and what my part in the situation was/is.

This is where journaling can play a valuable part in recovery. Writing pros and cons of possible actions to take, writing about what I am feeling. Naming/defining my passengers who are driving and the best way to put them back in their seats in the bus is so helpful to me.

I have found for me that my first response to any uncomfortable situation is NEVER the appropriate one for me. Placing a bet is never the right response to feeling stress or an urge to escape. Mad texting is no different than saying things you regret when you argue with your partner, except that it is in writing and harder to forgive and forget.

Someone very wise with a lot of years in Gamblers Anonymous told me “You can’t control what thoughts come into your head, but you CAN control your reaction to them.”

Some days are smooth travelling, sun is shining, Big Me is cruising along, and all passengers are enjoying the ride. Other days involve chasing one or more passengers out of the drivers seat, around the bus or around my house. The secret for me is identifying who is creating chaos, and the appropriate way to buckle them back into their seat.