In my early recovery I placed all the crappy stuff from my addictive behaviors into a bucket. A very special bucket that I visualize as an old bucket like my Grandma used to have at her house. An old metal bucket with a handle. This became my “F&CK IT BUCKET”
Into this bucket I threw all the bad stuff……The urges, the grief, the anxiety, the stress, the shame, the heartache, the embarrassment, the self doubt, the lies, the manipulation, the carelessness with myself and my loved ones, and the desire to leave this world behind.
This bucket sits in every corner of every room that I find myself in. It travels with me in the back of my car and I even catch glimpses of it at restaurants or stores I am in. It is always there, always within reach.
Beside this “F&CK IT BUCKET” I like to picture a pretty box with purple flowers and butterflies on it. In this box I have very carefully tucked away everything recovery has taught me. All the skills suggested to me that I implement, all the amazing quotes, all the counsellor wisdom, all the courses I have taken regarding recovery. I keep in there a package of honesty, a little box of courage, a copy of the yellow book, a jar of transparency, a cup of self care, and a gift certificate for all the grace I will ever need to give myself on this journey that I can redeem anytime. In this box
I keep the voices of those who have gone ahead of me in recovery and the wisdom they have shared with me.
I keep in there the voice of the GA Brother who helped through my first few months of recovery when literally my world came down around my ears. This GA Brother sadly has left the recovery journey in his life, and I pray every day that he finds his way HOME again.
I keep in there the voice of a Recovery Sister who reminded me of the simple fact that I need to BREATHE. When my anxiety gets bad and life gets “lifey”, I hear her telling me to “breathe.”
I keep in there the voice of the GA Brother who was the first to tell me a few days into recovery that I would need to put my recovery first in my life or I would lose everything I was working so hard for.
I keep in there the friendship and love for those who have travelled this path before me and routinely give service by being there whenever I need someone.
I keep in there my meeting schedule, to remind me where to go when life feels uncomfortable. Because it will.
Every place that the bucket sits, so does the toolbox. Side by side for the rest of my life. Every room I am in, every place I go, they are always right there within reach.
So….you might be wondering where this is going….
I am wanting to explain to you my own personal visual for my recovery journey.
When life to peaceful and smooth and happiness permeates our existence and with gratitude is how we are viewing everything. I barely notice the bucket and toolbox in the corner.
However, when life gets uncomfortable, when I feel injured or hurt or stressed or when life hands me what feels like a lifequake, all I have to do is look into the corner of my room and see my “F&CK IT BUCKET” and right beside it is my toolbox.
When I see them in the corner, that to me represents CHOICE. I have been blessed with the ability to choose which one I am going to go over and pick up. If I make the choice to pick up the “F&CK IT BUCKET” it will be a known trip directly back to hell. If make the choice to pick up the toolbox, the tools in it will continue to save my life and keep me in the miraculous life I have been choosing to build.
