Defending my chosen journey…

At the beginning of this blog post I would like to remind you that anything I write is based on my own singular experience with recovery from my gambling addiction. I believe deeply that each compulsive gambler at some point becomes able to choose for themselves how they choose to travel their own journey.

I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder when I was 35 years old. I was diagnosed high functioning with an above average IQ. All the diagnosis did for me was give me the explanation for what I had suspected for a long time.

I had known long before that moment that I was not completely like other people. I knew I had struggles with sensory overwhelm, turning feelings into words, feeling like nothing I did was as good as everyone else. I recognized that my brain had this incredible ability to notice patterns of all kinds, and I could spatially solve things in my mind. I view things very black and white, right and wrong, and experience profound frustration when criticized. To list all the things that make me unique would take a very long time.

My point is that my Disorder makes how I experience the world quite different than someone who is not neurodivergent. I hadn’t shared this diagnosis with a single person until about a month ago. I have kept it a secret until I felt that the environment I was immersed in was a safe one for my reveal.

I believe now that my neurodivergence may have actually played a part in my addiction as research I have done in the last month indicates that 30 – 40% of autistic people end up with an addiction with lots of it being gambling. Something about the way that gambling positively feeds the brain and emotions by lights, sounds, wins. Whether this is true for me and my addiction journey, I am not positive, however will do further research and talk to specialists sharing my experience.

What I do know, is that my neurodivergence absolutely has affected how I have chosen to journey through my recovery.

The typical “gold standard” of recovery programs for compulsive gambling is the twelve step program of Gambler’s Anonymous. My foundation of my journey is deeply rooted there. I have great respect for that program, the twelve steps and traditions, the definition of gambling, the twenty questions, and Page 17 of the Yellow Combo Book.

There were parts of this program that for me, and how my brain works, that scared me and early in my recovery this limited my ability to progress.

My neurodivergence made me feel inadequate and a failure that was not as good as anyone else to start with. Add in the guilt and shame of the results of my 20 year addiction and I fought a long time to feel worthy of love, life and happiness. I was stifled under these emotions, and began, at my therapist’s prompting to seek out other recovery spaces that might be a good addition for me.

About a year into my recovery journey I found an amazing space created for women to support women in their recovery from gambling addiction. A space that encouraged curiousity, kindness and compassion to all women in their journey to leave gambling behind them. This space encouraged connection, shared support, and building a life that we no longer felt we needed to escape from.

I felt like I had found another home for my recovery to add to my home Gambler’s Anonymous Group. I regularly give service in both these spaces and have a support system from within both environments. I feel strong in my recovery as I am almost 5 years into my journey.

The recent issue that has manifested for me lately is the fact that I live my recovery out loud and share openly about my journey that it has opened me up to criticism and some downright disrespect. I love recovery, I love my recovery journey and I love people who choose this path for themselves. However, I would never begin to criticize or pick apart someone else’s successful journey in recovery.

I believe that everyone’s journey is their own, to be decided upon completely by themselves. I openly admit that I have not worked the GA Twelve Steps because I believe that some of the steps in what their expectation is and how they are written would take me back to the place I was at five years ago. I would drop right back into that hole of guilt, shame and self hatred I have worked so hard to come out of. I do not believe that would be a helpful, useful or healthy exercise for ME. I am planning on working a different version of the steps based on gratitude instead.

Many in the rooms are die hard believers in the Twelve Steps, and I think that is amazing. If that is what works for them, and it provides them with a successful recovery in the space that fits them, I celebrate their journey. What I am finding is that some of those same people, are not at all accepting of anyone not practicing recovery the way that they think it should be.

My reality is that I don’t look like anyone else. I don’t think like anyone else. I am unique in my emotional experiences and what is comfortable for me. Just because my recovery does not look like yours does not mean that mine is less than yours. It does not give you the right to feel superior or to criticize my experience, strength or hope in my personal journey.

I would never say to anyone that my way is the only way, the perfect way, the best way. Just like Gamblers Anonymous is proven to work for lots of people, I have personal experience that has shown me that gathering tools and creating a better life and finding the path that feels right to me absolutely works also.

I would like to put out there that the most important part of whatever your journey looks like, that connecting with other like minded people, listening, sharing, being of service, being curious and creating a better life for yourself are key.

I would also like to encourage us to be loving and respectful of the journey of others. Avoid the arrogance that tells us that our path is the only right path. Always share what works for us, but do not criticize others whose path does not match ours. There are many paths to a better life on the other side of a gambling addiction and it is the destination that is important, not the path we take.

I would also like to encourage each of us to stand strong in our convictions and decisions about what works best for us. Just because someone tells us that we are not doing it the way it is supposed to be done, does not mean that is our truth. I encourage each of us to stay our course, make decisions based on what we feel is best, gather skills into our toolbox that keep us safe, and rely on our instincts as we learn to do the next right thing.