It was within the last month that I shared with anyone on the face of the earth that I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder when I was 35 years old. I did not feel that my relationship at that time was a safe space for me to share and maneuver what that meant to my life and those around me.
Instead, I have spent 26 years keeping that secret, and struggling in silence. Having no explanation to give about why I would melt down about what others viewed as “stupid shit”. How do I explain that the meltdown came about because all these things happened within five minutes:
- You asked me a question that my brain is struggling to come up with a soft, acceptable answer for because my brain thinks in black and white, fact, not fiction, and honesty.
- It’s really hot in here, but my feet are cold
- The girls are being extremely loud doing the dishes and the washing machine is beeping with someone else’s laundry ready and they are ignoring it
- The dogs are ringing the bell to go outside and the two people that are closest to the door are ignoring them
- My hair is giving me a headache
- That music that we went to last week was too bright
- The dust on the dresser upstairs is yelling at me
- Why are you wearing a shirt that has stains on the front?
- I have a huge list of stuff to do for work, but it is not organizing itself very well.
- One of the girls just ate some fruit out of a container and put it back in the fridge. Now I can’t eat that. Why can’t they put some in a bowl for themselves?
Right?!! Overwhelm is a real thing and it either causes a meltdown or overload and freeze for me.
I kept the secret about my Autism diagnosis a secret for longer than I kept my gambling addiction secret. That is pretty crazy beans secret keeping from someone who can’t keep someone’s birthday present I bought them a secret for a week.
So I figured..what they hey…what is the worst that can happen? People gain some understanding about how my brain works instead of continuing to think I am a crazy, critical, bossy, rude bitch that inhabits their world.
My husband took my confession with a look on his face that was a mix of “Ahhhh, that makes sense”, and “so you mean this isn’t going to get better?” But he actually said, “You are the same person to me you were 5 minutes ago. I love you. Keep moving forward, babe.”
Since that moment, I have shared it with my daughter and also my step daughters who live with us 50% of the time.
Has anything changed?
To be honest, what has changed is that it is very freeing to be able to share my truth openly. Like when my husband asks, “Why does that even bother you?” I now look at him and remind him that my brain does not work like his.
Being able to share myself authentically has not solved all the stumbling blocks, but the opportunity to share why I am actually sitting frozen on the couch because someone asked me a question that I’m terrified to answer wrong and it caused my brain to shut down gives everyone an opportunity to help support a way forward.
I have discovered that my Autism may well have played a part in my gambling addiction and am going to participate in some conversations and some research into that with some very smart people at a University near me.
For me personally, making that connection is completely irrelevant. I don’t care what may or may not caused my addiction to gambling. I remain grateful that I am a compulsive gambler and that I found this amazing life of recovery.
