The Paradox of Progress

Anyone who has travelled my recovery journey with me knows that when it comes to my recovery there are the top six things about me that are true no matter what.

1. I take my recovery very seriously. I do not know if I have another early recovery in me, so I maintain this one with every breath I take. It is easier to “keep it” than to try to “get it” again.
2. I will be honest with you. If you ask my opinion based on my experience, there is little sugar coating. I believe that my neurodivergence plays a big part in this.
3. I share openly and freely about my actions in my active addiction and those I have taken to build my recovery.
4. I no longer believe in the idea that recovery is “cookie cutter”. I truly believe that each of us can craft for ourselves our own recovery journey. There are many tools to gather, many groups to visit, many sources of literature. As long as we are becoming better people and learning to build a better life without gambling, that is the priority. ALWAYS.
5. I am responsible for my recovery journey and my choices within it. I am grateful to have a loving partner and family that accepts me as myself and supports me no matter what. But in my recovery, it is my responsibility to keep on the right path. I believe that there are no circumstances or actions from other people that have ultimate control over my recovery. I MAKE THE CHOICES HERE.
6. And finally….#6

I entered the rooms of recovery 1791 Days ago. I have attended hundreds, if not thousands of meetings in that time. I have tried different meetings until I found spaces that felt safe, supportive and wise. I have made amazing friends in the rooms of recovery. Some that mean more to me than some of my own family. My tribe…my amazing brothers and sisters of recovery who have given me support and held me up and have honored me by allowing me to do the same for them.

I have known many brothers and sisters who left the rooms of recovery and who found their addiction had been waiting for them. Some fought their way back, some did not. I also have known some who chose to end their fight with their addiction by ending their life.

Every time someone disappears from a meeting, or every time someone comes back into a meeting and resets their date, and every time I hear of a tragedy, it hurts my heart. It begins so many questions in my head…

As so many of my thoughts originate from a place of guilt and shame, my biggest questions is always, “Why do I deserve a better life and they don’t?”

Someone I shared this pattern with equated it with “survivor’s guilt”, and it made so much sense to me. It is so similar, yet also so very different. I have termed it for myself my “paradox of progress.”

I doubt that I will ever celebrate a milestone without a quiet remembrance for those I knew, and those I care very much about who still struggle within the darkness of this addiction. I will continue to recover out loud in honor of them, out of love for them, and in hope that some of them find their way back.