I remember when I was little my Grandma telling me, “You only get one life, so make sure you make the best of it.”
I would never at that time believed that the opposite would become true in my life. I have such gratitude that I was given what I embrace as my “second life.” I am incredibly grateful for Grandma being wrong.
I refer to the birth of my second life as August 26, 2020, at 4:00 pm. This was the moment that I entered Recovery for a 20 year gambling addiction. I had sat in my pajamas on the couch staring at the wall wondering if my life insurance policy would pay out on a suicide. At least that would help pay a bit of the money I owed. When my heart and soul decided that leaving my grandkids in that way was not the answer, I searched for Recovery and dedicated my heart to putting Recovery first in my life.
I have heard lots of names for a Gambling Addiction, “Gambling Disorder”, “Compulsive Gambling”, etc. Describe it however you wish, it was pure hell on earth to me.
Ten days after the birth of my second life, my husband of over 30 years told me that our marriage was done. I was ejected from my life, my home, my job, my community, and absolutely everything I had come to know in just under 40 years. I was sent on my way with the narrative that ,”I was the one who ruined our family, his life and his retirement.”
Which looking back now, life wasn’t great on my end either. He got to keep the house, the vehicles, the friends, the community, and everything else we had spent over 35 years building together. Life for me consisted of moving to another community, finding somewhere to live, on my own for the first time in my whole 56 years of life. I needed a job, a car, food, friends, support, and so many things that I didn’t even know where to start.
I approached this challenge the same way I have so many other things in my life, with dogged determination and decisive resilience. Ok, maybe there was a little, “I’ll show him, I’ll show them all” in that.
I entered Recovery during the Pandemic, so I had no in person resources, only online ones. I found online Zoom Recovery Rooms and amazing Recovery Spaces on Facebook.
I still think about things from my “first life”, though now the guilt and shame have faded and that allows me honest reflection on that time. My first life was full of trauma, anxiety, guilt, shame, lies, manipulation, illegal actions, stress, chaos, emotional absence from my family. When they say that “prison, insanity or death” is what awaits us if we do not quit gambling, I believe it.
I should have gone to jail for many things I did. It is the first miracle of my recovery that I didn’t. I know that the thoughts going on in my head were absolutely insane. And it was only the the hand of the Universe that I was not dead.
Then came my second life…a life built on honesty, transparency and accountability. A life built on love of others and myself and realizing that I am not perfect, but I am capable of changing in ways I never thought possible. I have a husband who came into my life in Recovery and saw good things in me that I am not even sure I saw in myself at that time. He supports my life of Recovery First, and supports things that make me feel safe and secure. He supports my willingness to always try to do better and create a loving environment.
He has seen me at my lowest, and has watched me build myself up. He honors my journey and is so patient when I fall emotionally off the path. Best of all, he kisses me on the forehead and tells me he loves me.
I still go to meetings, give lots of service, sponsor women on their own journey of Recovery, and I share my journey openly with anyone who desires to hear it.
I still find that things from my first life ooze into my second life sometimes. I now have the wisdom to honor them as part of my journey, but I don’t allow them to take residence in this new life.
Today, in my second life, I have gratitude for people with more time in Recovery than me who showed me the way and gave me the important tools to be successful. I have gratitude for all my brothers and sisters in Recovery who have let me reach out to them, or have honored me by reaching out to me. I have love and gratitude for the women I have developed close relationships with who humble me by their strength, determination, willingness to do whatever it takes to forge a path they can walk with honesty and love.
I am truly grateful that my first life happened the way it did. Without it, I would not have this amazing second life that I am so proud to live. I am absolutely grateful to have a gambling addiction that helped me find Recovery.
I am most grateful to the Universe for allowing me a second life.
